That’s when I took my first short-term mission trip to France. And coming back, I left a little piece of my heart behind. I’d read about France, I’d known people who lived there, but after visiting myself, opening up to what God had to show me there, and building meaningful relationships, it hurt a lot when I came back home. Of course, if I’d stayed there forever, then I would have left a larger chunk of my heart back home.
Leaving behind a piece of my heart was painful, and I never really did get over it. But that was actually a good thing. Because all year long, I kept thinking about France. I thought about the people I had met there and the ones I hadn’t. I prayed for them, and I prayed that God would give me another opportunity to go back. And He did! So, on my second visit to France, I was able to experience the joy of being “reconnected” with that piece of myself that had been left behind. If I hadn’t had my heart broken that first time, the reunion there would not have been so sweet.
My second heart break was not so sweet. This one was really painful, and still is. I’d been wrestling with my singleness for quite a while and had come to a place of true peace about it (see Thing #1). But then God brought someone into my life who had the potential to change that. It seemed so out of the blue, and I was confused and scared at first. I wasn’t quite sure how to mesh together what God had already been teaching me about singleness with what He seemed to be teaching me now. It took some time, but slowly and surely I began to open up to what God was teaching me about Himself through this other person. Then, just as quickly as it came, that relationship was gone, and I was left feeling—once again—confused, scared, and unsure about what God was trying to show me.
A few weeks later, I attended the Bible Study Fellowship leaders’ retreat in Milwaukee, where I heard Director of Training Melinda Burnette speak about her time as a Foreign Resident Ambassador in Jos, Nigeria and Bangkok, Thailand. She said that after leaving Nigeria, Thailand was where she learned that: “You can serve God with a broken heart.” Those words really resonated with me.
We suffer greatly in our fallen world because of sin, and pain was not a part of God’s perfect creation. One day, we’ll finally be free from it (Revelation21:4). But until then, God can use pain and heartache to teach us more about Himself and to be better ambassadors of His love and mercy to others. I realized that giving in to the pain, doubt, and fear is exactly what the Enemy wanted me to do. And trying to push it down or ignore it isn’t victory. But our God is so much bigger than whatever circumstances we may face, and we can show this to the world by combatting the Enemy’s lies with God’s truth. (Matthew 4:1-11; 2 Corinthians 10:4-5)
As I began to see this unfolding in my own life, God broke my heart in a new way: for Him. Everywhere I look, I see the path of destruction left by sin. So many people in the world are hurting, REALLY hurting, much more than me. I am just a tiny part of God’s sovereign plan, and I’m privileged that He wants to use me, despite my many failings. I want to focus less on myself and more on others who need to hear about the love, mercy, and healing that can only come from Him. It took having my heart broken in order for me to see this. Who knows? Maybe more heart breaks are coming. What I can say for sure is that God, Jehovah Rapha, the Lord That Heals, is still sovereign, and that He has shown me that I can indeed serve Him with a broken heart. In fact, I think He prefers it that way.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” -Psalm 51:17
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.
-Hosanna by Hillsong United
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