#10. One Step at a Time



“Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.  But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage:  but He is building a palace.  He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

 

Today is my birthday. 

I think birthdays always make us a little introspective.  Today, I can’t help but think about what a different place I’m in this year than I was last year—literally and figuratively.

This week I’m in Colorado at Greater Europe Mission’s headquarters for Candidate Orientation.  I had been anticipating this for months…then getting excited as the date got closer and closer…and then last week I panicked. 

Am I really supposed to be here?  Can I do this?  Is God really calling me to France, or am I doing this just because I want to?

I am definitely a thinker, and over the past few months, the thoughts have been coming and going faster than I can make sense of them.  I feel like I’ve been trying to take all these scraps and post-its of thoughts and to put them together, so that I can organize them into little files to store away in my mind and heart.  Journaling and blogging has helped, but there are still some nagging, half-processed thoughts that don’t seem to fit into any file.

Yesterday during our morning worship, we talked a bit about what it means for God to break us in order to reshape us and use us.  I’ve definitely experienced this over the past year.  One of these areas that I keep coming back to time and time again is my desire to know God’s whole plan, when all He is showing me is one step at a time.  I struggle to find the balance between wanting to be in control (which I’m not) and simply wanting to give God my best, which I think includes being as prepared as I can be. 

For example, right now God has called me to be a teacher.  I can’t serve Him to the best of my ability without taking time to plan and prepare for my students.  The unexpected can (and does) still occur, but I’m a more effective teacher if I take the time to study, prepare, and practice what I’m doing.

Yet, for some reason, when it comes to this journey of missions that God has me on, overthinking seems to be my biggest enemy.  I know it’s normal to have doubts and hesitations when starting something new, but the more I try to sort through them and process them, the more confused I get.  So last night I took a little walk under the beautiful Colorado stars, and I boiled it all down to these three options:

1. I can go back to where I was last year at this time, and forget everything that God has done in me since then.
2. I can stay exactly where He has me right now.
3. I can keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Those really are the only options. 
 
#1 is ridiculous; we can’t move back in time, and even if I tried, I can’t change the circumstances that have brought me to where I am; I can’t bring back people or opportunities that are gone; and most importantly, I can’t forget the lessons God has taught me since then.

#2 is equally absurd.   Even though change is scary, it’s a part of life.  Things can’t stay the same forever; if they did, we would never grow.

So #3 it is…keep moving forward, trusting that as God has guided me so far, He will continue to do so—in His timing, not mine. 

I’m so grateful for Bible Study Fellowship and the difference it has made in my life.  I remember hearing early on that it is “a season of preparation for a lifetime of service.”  To be honest, when I heard that, I didn’t ever want the season of preparation to end!  A lifetime of service seems scary and hard.  But it’s not really preparation if you’re not actually preparing for anything.

I’ve been able to use so much of what I’ve learned in BSF and apply it where I am.  Now God is teaching me new things, and it seems, calling me to a new place. 

I don’t know if I’ll end up in France.  If I go, I don’t know if I’ll be successful there.  If I am, I don’t know if I’ll stay or come back.  If I come back, I don’t know what I’ll do when I get here.  I can’t know any of that, and I could make myself crazy trying to figure it out.  All I know is I have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

I appreciate C.S. Lewis’s quote above.  It is really painful when God starts demolishing walls that I thought looked fine right where they were.  But He is the architect, and He alone knows the blueprint.  I don’t need to see it to know that His house will be infinitely better than the one I would have built on my own.

 

For we are God’s masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. 

–Ephesians 2:10

#5. There is No Plan B

I have a new favorite fictional character.  His name is “Frisson l’écureuil,” or Scaredy Squirrel in English.  Because life outside his tree is full of known and unknown dangers, Scaredy Squirrel always takes the proper precautions before venturing out into the world.

He has an emergency evacuation plan,

a plan for making the Ideal Friend,

even a plan for avoiding the creatures from his nightmares.

But in each story, when Scaredy Squirrel implements his plan, something unexpected happens.And then Scaredy Squirrel exclaims,

“This was NOT part of the plan!”

Oh, Scaredy Squirrel.  How similar we are. 

A couple of months ago, I was struggling to get through a difficult situation.  There was nothing I could do to change it, and I was tired of crying about it.  Still, something about it felt wrong to me, and I couldn't put my finger on it.  One day, I found myself crying out to God as I prayed, "God, this just isn't where I saw my life going!"

And then it hit me.  The problem wasn’t that I was on the wrong path.  I just didn’t realize which path I was on.  I thought I was headed straight, and then I rounded a curve.  God knew all along that bend in the road was coming.  He knew when I’d reach it, and He knows what’s coming next.  I didn’t somehow wander off into uncharted territory, leaving Him scrambling to find another pathway for me, a “Plan B.” 

There is only ever one plan:  God’s plan, Plan A.  We can choose to drag our feet or make a pit stop or even turn around and walk in the opposite direction for a while, but He alone knows where our path leads, and He promises to get us to our destination (Proverbs 16:9).  He also promises that His path is better than the one we would have chosen, even though it might look questionable to us (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28). 

If I can’t imagine a better path than the one I’m on, it’s because my mind is too small.  I haven’t seen all the pathways that are out there.  I might be satisfied with this one, because it’s relatively smooth and there are no snakes or spiders.  But God not only made the map; He made the forest, too.  He knows all the paths, and He knows which one is mine.  He also knows it’s the best one for me.  If I would try to hop on someone else’s path because it looks nice from here, I’d end up at the wrong destination.

If my friend Scaredy Squirrel had stayed in his tree, he would never have discovered his hidden talent.  If he had waited for the 100% Ideal Friend, he would have missed out on another truly great friendship.  And if he had continued to stay up all night to avoid his bad dreams, he would have lived the rest of his life with “decreased energy, memory loss, sleepiness, moodiness, weak reflexes, hallucinations, and confusion.”  :-)

And if I spend my days wishing for what someone else has, I’ll miss out on what God has for me.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want Plan B.  I want Plan A—so no matter how long it takes, no matter how winding the path seems, I’ll keep walking, because I know it will take me where I need to go (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24). 

...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 1:6