#18. Incompetence is Ok.

Recently, I saw an episode of the TV show Mike and Molly in which Molly experiences a bit of an identity crisis after quitting her teaching job to pursue writing full time.  She even goes back to her old classroom to take a peek at her former students:

However, it becomes clear very quickly that she no longer has a place there.  The show was hilarious, but I truly did identify with Molly's feelings of incompetence and lack of belonging.

This past year has produced in me these same feelings as I left my full time teaching job to follow God's leading to France.  It's been a year of having hard conversations, sending emails until my fingers cramp, visiting unfamiliar places and cursing Google Maps for leading me astray once again, and substitute teaching...which it turns out, is not much like teaching at all.

I realized about halfway through the year that it had been a really long time since I actually felt competent at anything.  Although I certainly never felt like I had it all together as a teacher--I still have a lot to learn--I at least had a certain level of comfort, familiarity, and skill.  And I loved my job!  But more than once this year, I've found myself looking out at a group of students who probably could not care less about me as I've thought in my head, "You don't even know me!  I'm a nice person, and I'm actually pretty smart.  So please, be nice to me!"

This feeling of incompetence is not particularly pleasant, but I think it's actually a good feeling to have.  Because it means I'm no longer able to rely on myself at all; I have to rely on God completely.  And while I'm still not in France, I am getting closer...and then I'll experience a whole new level of incompetence as I navigate a new language, culture, and career.

So I am thankful for the lessons that God has taught me during this year of transition.  I'm not where I was, and I'm not where I'm going to be.  But that's ok, because I'm exactly where God wants me to be right now.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.   

-2 Corinthians 12:9

#17. It's Okay to Feel Overwhelmed.

At my recent cross-cultural training in preparation for ministry in France, I was asked to draw a picture (with my weak hand) that best described who I was at that point in time.  

This is me...

...lost somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, my heart torn between my current home in Missouri and my future home in France. 

I had been looking forward to this training for months.  Even though it will be a few more months before I leave for France, this felt like such a big step in getting me closer to that other side of the ocean.  

And it was:  both in terms of the physical requirements for me to go, and—even more importantly—in preparing my heart and mind for the move.  God has already done a lot of work in me over the past few years, but during training we were asked to dig down deep…really deep.  At times it felt like every layer of myself was being peeled off and stripped away, until I was left with just the core of who I am, exposed for everyone to see.  It was painful and yet freeing at the same time…plus we were all in it together.

I’ve never been great at articulating my feelings; it takes ages for me to process what is happening inside me and to put it in words that make any kind of sense.  And throughout this whole process, I’ve had so many different feelings that it’s been almost impossible for me to make sense of them all.  My logical side wants to take each thought and emotion and put it neatly inside the appropriate “box,” but I can’t, because there are too many things happening all at once.

So some of the greatest gifts God gave me during this program were visual, tangible metaphors that I can use to describe what is happening inside me…both for myself and for others.

I can have a “yay duck” that says, “I can’t wait to get to France!” and at the same time have a “yuck duck” that says, “I’m scared to leave my family and friends behind.”  

I can feel pulled in eight different directions at the same time by my expectations vs. reality, others’ expectations of me, and my own desires.

When I’m struggling to understand or be understood in a culture that is not where I grew up, I can remember that I need to “move my chair,” and that “different isn’t necessarily wrong; wrong is wrong.”

When I keep thinking of the word “chair” instead of “chaise,” I can remember that I need to “strangle my yellow balloon.”

When I think it’s too hard to change, I can remember Paul, who became all things to all men so that he might save some.

And when I feel totally overwhelmed, I can cry, “Father, help!” and know that He hears me.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”  

-Hebrews 4:15-16

A Pause for Reflection...

There is nothing on earth quite like the joy of a Snow Day.  Your plans are already made; you have places to be and things to do.  But then, suddenly, with one phone call or email or image on the TV screen, time stops.  Classes and events and deadlines are postponed.  God has literally given you the gift of time.  What will you do with it?  Snuggle up with a book and hot chocolate?  Turn off the alarm clock and go back to sleep?  Rush outside to sled and build snowmen and have snowball fights? 

Part of the art of celebrating the Snow Day is to convince your parents that even though the roads are too bad for you to go to school, they are safe enough for your best friend to come over to play!  Or, if you’re willing to roll the dice, you can invite your best friend to spend the night before the snow starts.  ;-)

I think there are some good lessons to be learned from the Snow Day.  First, patience.  It is truly agonizing to attend a school that starts with a “W;” just when you finally think they’re almost done with all of the “Saint” schools, then they cut to a commercial break!  (For the young folks, when I was a student, they apparently did not yet have the technology to keep the list rolling through the commercials.)

Also, Snow Days are a lesson in rest.  God commands us to keep the Sabbath to rest, to worship, and to focus on Him.  I often find myself so concerned with my day to day responsibilities that I don’t take the time to rest as I should.  But on Snow Days, when schedules are suspended, I can truly rest!

Snow Days have been a part of my life for the past 25 years, first as a student, and then as a teacher.  I’ve been blessed to have a job that NEVER required me to work on a Snow Day.  But I realized on Thursday that I might have just celebrated my last Snow Day ever!

I was sad to learn that there does not seem to be an official French term for “Snow Day.”  Even if I do encounter some days in France on which snow interferes with plans, I don’t think it will ever have the same feeling as celebrating them here.

It’s ok; I know God will have plenty of new adventures for me in France.  The Lord has taught me a lot over this past year about the importance of looking forward, rather than looking back (see Thing #7, No More Looking Back).  Still, I’m a sentimental person, and so I felt the need to reminisce for a moment.  

R.I.P. Edward…2/2/2011

"Come now, let's settle this," says the LORD.  "Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow.  Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool."  

-Isaiah 1:18

#11. What God Starts, He Will Finish.

"I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 1:3-6

Friday, for the first time since Candidate Orientation over two months ago (yikes!) our little group was able to reunite, via Skype/cell phone.  [So grateful for technology, even when it doesn’t work exactly as planned.]

I am so incredibly thankful to God for our group.  We heard it was one of the smaller ones, but I’m really grateful for that!  We were able to really get to know each other throughout the week and to ask and answer questions honestly.

I definitely feel like God put us together deliberately; I can’t imagine being there with a better group of people (which also applies to the GEM staff!).  Even though we spent less than a week together, I love them all dearly…Dennis, with his chill personality and subtle but hilarious sense of humor (“Hi, I’m Dennis, and I also have 7 children.”), Terri, the epitome of the Proverbs 31 woman, who also made me feel better about having so many questions (“Sharon, is it ok that I don’t understand anything that you just said?”), Kevin, with his ability to instantly befriend anyone, who thinks nothing of munching sweet potato chips in the president’s office, and Jazz, my fellow Francophile, who is one of the coolest, kindest people I’ve ever met (and she can hula!).

It’s not like I expected this process to be easy, but there have definitely been some unexpected challenges.  I am grateful for loving and supportive family, friends, and church bodies, but there is just something about us going through this process together that I really appreciate.  We’re all heading to different places, and we may get there at different times, but I can’t wait to see what God does with our little group.  [And also to have an “excuse” to visit Paris, Germany, and Switzerland.]  :-)

"Remember the things I have done in the past.  For I alone am God!  I am God, and there is none like me.  Only I can tell you the future before it even happens.  Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish."

-Isaiah 46:9-10

#10. One Step at a Time



“Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.  But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage:  but He is building a palace.  He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

 

Today is my birthday. 

I think birthdays always make us a little introspective.  Today, I can’t help but think about what a different place I’m in this year than I was last year—literally and figuratively.

This week I’m in Colorado at Greater Europe Mission’s headquarters for Candidate Orientation.  I had been anticipating this for months…then getting excited as the date got closer and closer…and then last week I panicked. 

Am I really supposed to be here?  Can I do this?  Is God really calling me to France, or am I doing this just because I want to?

I am definitely a thinker, and over the past few months, the thoughts have been coming and going faster than I can make sense of them.  I feel like I’ve been trying to take all these scraps and post-its of thoughts and to put them together, so that I can organize them into little files to store away in my mind and heart.  Journaling and blogging has helped, but there are still some nagging, half-processed thoughts that don’t seem to fit into any file.

Yesterday during our morning worship, we talked a bit about what it means for God to break us in order to reshape us and use us.  I’ve definitely experienced this over the past year.  One of these areas that I keep coming back to time and time again is my desire to know God’s whole plan, when all He is showing me is one step at a time.  I struggle to find the balance between wanting to be in control (which I’m not) and simply wanting to give God my best, which I think includes being as prepared as I can be. 

For example, right now God has called me to be a teacher.  I can’t serve Him to the best of my ability without taking time to plan and prepare for my students.  The unexpected can (and does) still occur, but I’m a more effective teacher if I take the time to study, prepare, and practice what I’m doing.

Yet, for some reason, when it comes to this journey of missions that God has me on, overthinking seems to be my biggest enemy.  I know it’s normal to have doubts and hesitations when starting something new, but the more I try to sort through them and process them, the more confused I get.  So last night I took a little walk under the beautiful Colorado stars, and I boiled it all down to these three options:

1. I can go back to where I was last year at this time, and forget everything that God has done in me since then.
2. I can stay exactly where He has me right now.
3. I can keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Those really are the only options. 
 
#1 is ridiculous; we can’t move back in time, and even if I tried, I can’t change the circumstances that have brought me to where I am; I can’t bring back people or opportunities that are gone; and most importantly, I can’t forget the lessons God has taught me since then.

#2 is equally absurd.   Even though change is scary, it’s a part of life.  Things can’t stay the same forever; if they did, we would never grow.

So #3 it is…keep moving forward, trusting that as God has guided me so far, He will continue to do so—in His timing, not mine. 

I’m so grateful for Bible Study Fellowship and the difference it has made in my life.  I remember hearing early on that it is “a season of preparation for a lifetime of service.”  To be honest, when I heard that, I didn’t ever want the season of preparation to end!  A lifetime of service seems scary and hard.  But it’s not really preparation if you’re not actually preparing for anything.

I’ve been able to use so much of what I’ve learned in BSF and apply it where I am.  Now God is teaching me new things, and it seems, calling me to a new place. 

I don’t know if I’ll end up in France.  If I go, I don’t know if I’ll be successful there.  If I am, I don’t know if I’ll stay or come back.  If I come back, I don’t know what I’ll do when I get here.  I can’t know any of that, and I could make myself crazy trying to figure it out.  All I know is I have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

I appreciate C.S. Lewis’s quote above.  It is really painful when God starts demolishing walls that I thought looked fine right where they were.  But He is the architect, and He alone knows the blueprint.  I don’t need to see it to know that His house will be infinitely better than the one I would have built on my own.

 

For we are God’s masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. 

–Ephesians 2:10

#9. I Don't Need a Map, Just a Lamp.

View Larger Map

 

Before cell phones were so common, I hated caravanning to places with people who would say, “Oh, just follow me there!”  Inevitably, the car in front of me would make it through the light, and I wouldn’t.  Then, either I’d have to floor it to try to catch up to them, or they’d have to pull over and wait for me to come through.

Now it’s so easy just to call someone from your group if you get separated.  Or, you can just use your GPS and find the place on your own.  Finding an unknown destination doesn’t have to be such a mystery anymore.  Call me old school, though, but I still keep a road atlas in my car (thank you, Grandpa), and if I’m going on a long trip, I’ll print a map from the Internet.  Yes, I’m an INTJ.  But the bottom line is that I simply don’t trust step-by-step directions.  I want the big picture, the complete picture, before I even start.

Too bad God doesn’t work that way.  I’m realizing more and more every day how much I need to lean on Him for guidance, and I’m also learning that He is 100% trustworthy!  He has never left me hanging, never allowed me to get lost.  Sure, I might not be able to see where I’m headed sometimes, but He always knows, and He always gives me directions for my next turn in time.  (Unlike the GPS.)

Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

God does provide guidance, but it’s usually just a little bit at a time.  He knows how much information we need, and that’s exactly how much He gives us—no more, no less.

I’ve been trying to obey Him as I seek His guidance for the future, and I have a little glimpse of what could be ahead, but there’s still a lot of darkness.  My lamp just isn’t bright enough to see as far as I want to.  But God Himself is all the light that I need.   

"Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, 'I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.'"  -John 8:12

Even though I take little steps of progress at a time, I am moving forward.  And it’s encouraging to be able to look back and see where I was.

I’ve done my best to follow God’s direction for my life, and there have been times that He has closed doors, and I didn’t understand why.  It made me feel like I had done something wrong; that I had missed some crucial information from Him which resulted in my heartbreak.  But (I think) I am learning that isn’t always the case.  Those closed doors and heartaches are a part of the journey as well.  I can see now that I’ve learned lessons from those situations that I probably would not have learned any other way.  And I am grateful that God loves me enough to keep me from going down a path that He knows isn’t the best one for me, even if it looks pretty good from my perspective.

I don’t know what lies ahead, but I can say with certainty that God has continued to open doors and to confirm the steps that I’ve already taken, so I can trust that He will either continue to do that, or He’ll redirect me in His timing to something even better.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Amazing Grace, John Newton

#7. No More Looking Back

I’m a sentimental person.  I keep cards, letters, ticket stubs, and even rocks that remind me of places I’ve been in the past.  But at times, I’ve spent too much time looking back, questioning and dwelling on things I can’t change.  I know that God uses our circumstances to grow us, change us, and make us more like Christ, but His intention isn’t for us to live in the past.  The past is over.  It’s done.  If God meant for us to continue in that same place, He would have kept us there.  If He’s called us out, it’s to move on to something better.  And we can’t reach those blessings unless we’re willing to let go of the past.

When the Israelites were wandering in the desert, they grumbled because they missed the cucumbers, melons, and fish of Egypt (Numbers11:5).  If I were Moses, I probably would have said something like, “Oh, you miss the melons, do you?  What about the slavery, remember that?  Do you miss that, too?”  Only I’m not Moses.  I’m one of the Israelites, too often stuck in my own past.

It’s important to remember God’s past faithfulness and blessings.  He provided for the Israelites, even when they were enslaved in Egypt, and He’s blessed me in the past.  But remembering God’s past blessings shouldn’t bring sadness if He’s now chosen to take those things away (Job1:21).  It should instead bring encouragement that if God has been faithful in the past, He will continue to be faithful in the future (Philippians 1:6).

The Israelites didn’t have cucumbers and melon in the wilderness, but God did provide them with manna.  And they never could have made it to the Promised Land if they hadn’t left Egypt.

"If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back.  But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland.  That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them…

…It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger.  He kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible."

-Hebrews 11:15-16, 27

God, help me to keep my eyes on You alone, because You hold my past, present, and future in Your hands.

#6. Homesick

“Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

I feel more and more homesick every day.  There are plenty of great things about this life, but there is also so much hurt, pain, and brokenness, and I know this is not how it’s meant to be.  I know God can and will use all of this for His glory, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to endure daily.  Everywhere I look, people are suffering, children are dying, relationships are ending, friends are sick, people are lonely and hurting. 

I know that God’s plan is perfect and so is His timing, but as I go through my own (relatively minor) difficulties, there are so many times I wish I could see God’s plan for me, to know what is ahead and how all the pieces of my life fit together.
               
But I am beginning to realize that, actually, God already has told me the end of my story:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone.  And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them.”  -Revelation 21:1-3

He makes all things new, and He is making me new, too:

Just as we are now like the earthly man, we will someday be like the heavenly man. 

-1 Corinthians 15:49

Someday I will be in heaven with Jesus, worshiping Him for all eternity and finally living as He created me to live.

The pain and suffering here on earth is a reminder that I’m not home yet.  Pain itself is not a good thing; it’s a symptom of our broken world.  And every day, it seems to get worse and worse.

The natural response when you see something (or someone) that is broken is to want to fix it, to want to say or do something that will make it better.  But we can’t do it on our own.  The more I see the brokenness in the world, the more I long for my true home in heaven, where everything will finally be as it should be.  I also long more for others to know that same peace and assurance. 

There is only One who can truly fix what is broken.  So why doesn’t He just do it now? 

“We can ignore even pleasure.  But pain insists upon being attended to.  God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains:  it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  -C.S Lewis

Everyone who experiences pain knows this truth:  This is not how it’s supposed to be!  This is not how we are supposed to live!  But not everyone knows that there is another option, a better way to live.

Despite the fact that there is legitimate evil in the world, God is able to redeem anything for His glory, and He will do it, because His reputation is at stake (Isaiah 48:11).  He can use pain and suffering to bring people to Himself, and He often uses us to do it. 

Pain seems to affect me so much more now than it used to.  It could be because I’m getting older and myself and those I love are being more directly affected, but I think it’s more than that.  I’ve been praying that God would break my heart for the things that break His and that He would help me to see people as He does, and I believe He is answering that prayer. 

The more God breaks my heart for others’ pain and suffering, the more I should desire to share His promise of hope and peace with them.  He has made me an ambassador of His message of reconciliation—what an awesome privilege and responsibility!

So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”  -2 Corinthians 5:20

As much as our world seems to be growing increasingly divided over moral issues, people still need and want hope.  Without our connection to our Creator, we all have a void inside, waiting to be filled.  It may even be through pain that God reveals it to us.  And He has entrusted me (and all believers) with His message of hope.  If I’m doing my job of truly demonstrating Christ’s love in everything I do and say, people should want to know Him and, in turn, might come to long for their true home as well.

“The mold in which a key is made would be a strange thing, if you had never seen a key:  and the key itself a strange thing if you had never seen a lock.  Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the divine substance, or a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions.

Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it—made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand.”

― C.S. Lewis

#5. There is No Plan B

I have a new favorite fictional character.  His name is “Frisson l’écureuil,” or Scaredy Squirrel in English.  Because life outside his tree is full of known and unknown dangers, Scaredy Squirrel always takes the proper precautions before venturing out into the world.

He has an emergency evacuation plan,

a plan for making the Ideal Friend,

even a plan for avoiding the creatures from his nightmares.

But in each story, when Scaredy Squirrel implements his plan, something unexpected happens.And then Scaredy Squirrel exclaims,

“This was NOT part of the plan!”

Oh, Scaredy Squirrel.  How similar we are. 

A couple of months ago, I was struggling to get through a difficult situation.  There was nothing I could do to change it, and I was tired of crying about it.  Still, something about it felt wrong to me, and I couldn't put my finger on it.  One day, I found myself crying out to God as I prayed, "God, this just isn't where I saw my life going!"

And then it hit me.  The problem wasn’t that I was on the wrong path.  I just didn’t realize which path I was on.  I thought I was headed straight, and then I rounded a curve.  God knew all along that bend in the road was coming.  He knew when I’d reach it, and He knows what’s coming next.  I didn’t somehow wander off into uncharted territory, leaving Him scrambling to find another pathway for me, a “Plan B.” 

There is only ever one plan:  God’s plan, Plan A.  We can choose to drag our feet or make a pit stop or even turn around and walk in the opposite direction for a while, but He alone knows where our path leads, and He promises to get us to our destination (Proverbs 16:9).  He also promises that His path is better than the one we would have chosen, even though it might look questionable to us (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28). 

If I can’t imagine a better path than the one I’m on, it’s because my mind is too small.  I haven’t seen all the pathways that are out there.  I might be satisfied with this one, because it’s relatively smooth and there are no snakes or spiders.  But God not only made the map; He made the forest, too.  He knows all the paths, and He knows which one is mine.  He also knows it’s the best one for me.  If I would try to hop on someone else’s path because it looks nice from here, I’d end up at the wrong destination.

If my friend Scaredy Squirrel had stayed in his tree, he would never have discovered his hidden talent.  If he had waited for the 100% Ideal Friend, he would have missed out on another truly great friendship.  And if he had continued to stay up all night to avoid his bad dreams, he would have lived the rest of his life with “decreased energy, memory loss, sleepiness, moodiness, weak reflexes, hallucinations, and confusion.”  :-)

And if I spend my days wishing for what someone else has, I’ll miss out on what God has for me.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want Plan B.  I want Plan A—so no matter how long it takes, no matter how winding the path seems, I’ll keep walking, because I know it will take me where I need to go (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24). 

...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 1:6 

#4. Remind Me Who I Am

After years of collecting and months of procrastinating, I have finally finished my first T-shirt quilt!    It’s very soft and cozy, but the best thing about it is that every shirt represents a memory—whether it’s a place we visited once on vacation, a yearly family event, or a reminder of a short-lived, just for funsies, moderately unsuccessful music career.

As I look at all of these shirts, they remind me of who I was then, and who I am now.  In some ways, I haven’t changed a whole lot; but in other ways, I’m a totally different person. 

This is the shirt I bought in high school when I spent 3 weeks in a summer program at Mizzou.  I wanted to be a veterinarian.  I changed my mind.

This is the shirt I designed for our dorm in college.  No, they’re not kissing lips…the shirt had Proverbs 31:26 on the back.

This was the first year I taught the Bible lessons at Junior Camp.  It was  also my favorite year, because I came up with the theme myself.  We talked about the names of God.

And these were from the summer that changed my life.

After my first year of teaching, I had left that job with plenty of time (I thought) to find another one.  I filled out so many applications, sent out so many letters.  I had interviews and even some offers, but I still had no idea where I was supposed to go or what I was supposed to do.  I was in waiting mode, but I didn’t want to waste the time.  So I called it my “Summer of Service”—kind of like Seinfeld’s “Summer of George,” but a little bit cooler, I thought.  ;-)  Junior Camp, VBS, mission trip to Chicago with the senior high youth group, and then senior high camp.  I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought that if I gave God my whole summer, then He might reward me with some amazing life guidance for my future.  It turns out, He did, but not in the way I expected.

I can’t really explain how God worked in my heart that summer, but it was the beginning of a new perspective for me.  My world had been so small before, and by working with some of the different ministries that we did in Chicago, I started to see the great lengths to which God will go to bring His lost children home.

I realized how limited I’d been in my search to find His purpose for me.   I wanted Him to tell me in which one of a few specific schools He wanted me to teach English.   I realized I needed to be willing to go wherever and do whatever He wanted me to do.  That thought was terrifying to me, but I knew it was right. 

At senior high camp, the theme was “Meant to Live.”   In our morning devotions, we looked at the lives of Jim Elliot, Pete Fleming, Ed McCully, Nate Saint, and Roger Youderian, missionaries killed in Ecuador who said, along with Paul, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:20-21).  I didn’t quite understand how a person could get to that point, but I knew I wanted to be there, so I made this during craft time and have kept it, more as a goal than anything else.

It’s been a slow process of change for me, but I can see evidence of God’s faithfulness over the years in my life and as I look at my quilt now.  I'm grateful that He continues to remind me who I am, because I can so easily forget.  It took seven years, but now I can confidently say that for me as well, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain.”  I’m so ready to go home, but as long as I’m here, it means God has more work for me to do.  So I will keep trying to serve him the best that I can, and I’ll look forward to the next lesson He will teach me.  Maybe that lesson will come with a T-shirt, and maybe it won't...I'll just have to wait and see!