#10. One Step at a Time



“Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.  But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage:  but He is building a palace.  He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

 

Today is my birthday. 

I think birthdays always make us a little introspective.  Today, I can’t help but think about what a different place I’m in this year than I was last year—literally and figuratively.

This week I’m in Colorado at Greater Europe Mission’s headquarters for Candidate Orientation.  I had been anticipating this for months…then getting excited as the date got closer and closer…and then last week I panicked. 

Am I really supposed to be here?  Can I do this?  Is God really calling me to France, or am I doing this just because I want to?

I am definitely a thinker, and over the past few months, the thoughts have been coming and going faster than I can make sense of them.  I feel like I’ve been trying to take all these scraps and post-its of thoughts and to put them together, so that I can organize them into little files to store away in my mind and heart.  Journaling and blogging has helped, but there are still some nagging, half-processed thoughts that don’t seem to fit into any file.

Yesterday during our morning worship, we talked a bit about what it means for God to break us in order to reshape us and use us.  I’ve definitely experienced this over the past year.  One of these areas that I keep coming back to time and time again is my desire to know God’s whole plan, when all He is showing me is one step at a time.  I struggle to find the balance between wanting to be in control (which I’m not) and simply wanting to give God my best, which I think includes being as prepared as I can be. 

For example, right now God has called me to be a teacher.  I can’t serve Him to the best of my ability without taking time to plan and prepare for my students.  The unexpected can (and does) still occur, but I’m a more effective teacher if I take the time to study, prepare, and practice what I’m doing.

Yet, for some reason, when it comes to this journey of missions that God has me on, overthinking seems to be my biggest enemy.  I know it’s normal to have doubts and hesitations when starting something new, but the more I try to sort through them and process them, the more confused I get.  So last night I took a little walk under the beautiful Colorado stars, and I boiled it all down to these three options:

1. I can go back to where I was last year at this time, and forget everything that God has done in me since then.
2. I can stay exactly where He has me right now.
3. I can keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Those really are the only options. 
 
#1 is ridiculous; we can’t move back in time, and even if I tried, I can’t change the circumstances that have brought me to where I am; I can’t bring back people or opportunities that are gone; and most importantly, I can’t forget the lessons God has taught me since then.

#2 is equally absurd.   Even though change is scary, it’s a part of life.  Things can’t stay the same forever; if they did, we would never grow.

So #3 it is…keep moving forward, trusting that as God has guided me so far, He will continue to do so—in His timing, not mine. 

I’m so grateful for Bible Study Fellowship and the difference it has made in my life.  I remember hearing early on that it is “a season of preparation for a lifetime of service.”  To be honest, when I heard that, I didn’t ever want the season of preparation to end!  A lifetime of service seems scary and hard.  But it’s not really preparation if you’re not actually preparing for anything.

I’ve been able to use so much of what I’ve learned in BSF and apply it where I am.  Now God is teaching me new things, and it seems, calling me to a new place. 

I don’t know if I’ll end up in France.  If I go, I don’t know if I’ll be successful there.  If I am, I don’t know if I’ll stay or come back.  If I come back, I don’t know what I’ll do when I get here.  I can’t know any of that, and I could make myself crazy trying to figure it out.  All I know is I have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

I appreciate C.S. Lewis’s quote above.  It is really painful when God starts demolishing walls that I thought looked fine right where they were.  But He is the architect, and He alone knows the blueprint.  I don’t need to see it to know that His house will be infinitely better than the one I would have built on my own.

 

For we are God’s masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. 

–Ephesians 2:10

#9. I Don't Need a Map, Just a Lamp.

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Before cell phones were so common, I hated caravanning to places with people who would say, “Oh, just follow me there!”  Inevitably, the car in front of me would make it through the light, and I wouldn’t.  Then, either I’d have to floor it to try to catch up to them, or they’d have to pull over and wait for me to come through.

Now it’s so easy just to call someone from your group if you get separated.  Or, you can just use your GPS and find the place on your own.  Finding an unknown destination doesn’t have to be such a mystery anymore.  Call me old school, though, but I still keep a road atlas in my car (thank you, Grandpa), and if I’m going on a long trip, I’ll print a map from the Internet.  Yes, I’m an INTJ.  But the bottom line is that I simply don’t trust step-by-step directions.  I want the big picture, the complete picture, before I even start.

Too bad God doesn’t work that way.  I’m realizing more and more every day how much I need to lean on Him for guidance, and I’m also learning that He is 100% trustworthy!  He has never left me hanging, never allowed me to get lost.  Sure, I might not be able to see where I’m headed sometimes, but He always knows, and He always gives me directions for my next turn in time.  (Unlike the GPS.)

Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

God does provide guidance, but it’s usually just a little bit at a time.  He knows how much information we need, and that’s exactly how much He gives us—no more, no less.

I’ve been trying to obey Him as I seek His guidance for the future, and I have a little glimpse of what could be ahead, but there’s still a lot of darkness.  My lamp just isn’t bright enough to see as far as I want to.  But God Himself is all the light that I need.   

"Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, 'I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.'"  -John 8:12

Even though I take little steps of progress at a time, I am moving forward.  And it’s encouraging to be able to look back and see where I was.

I’ve done my best to follow God’s direction for my life, and there have been times that He has closed doors, and I didn’t understand why.  It made me feel like I had done something wrong; that I had missed some crucial information from Him which resulted in my heartbreak.  But (I think) I am learning that isn’t always the case.  Those closed doors and heartaches are a part of the journey as well.  I can see now that I’ve learned lessons from those situations that I probably would not have learned any other way.  And I am grateful that God loves me enough to keep me from going down a path that He knows isn’t the best one for me, even if it looks pretty good from my perspective.

I don’t know what lies ahead, but I can say with certainty that God has continued to open doors and to confirm the steps that I’ve already taken, so I can trust that He will either continue to do that, or He’ll redirect me in His timing to something even better.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Amazing Grace, John Newton

#8. Challenge Accepted!

 "We have a God who delights in impossibilities."

-Andrew Murray

I am so used to looking for the easiest way possible to do something.  I can get frustrated or even annoyed when I see people working inefficiently.  It seems to be human nature always to look for the easy way out of a situation.  Our intelligence is what separates us from the “lower species,” right?  We have assembly lines and instant/automatic everything.  So it seems natural to look for the easy way out of the difficulties in our lives, too.  But God works differently. 

In Joshua 3, God leads Israel through the flooded Jordan River and into Canaan.  The natural, human path would have been to go around.  What was accomplished by going through?

First, Israel was forced to rely on God’s provision for them, rather than trusting in their own strength.  They must have told their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren the story of this miraculous display of God’s power for generations to come.

Second, Israel’s enemies heard this story, too.  Those in Jericho had already heard of how the God of Israel parted the Red Sea more than 40 years earlier.  Now, in their very own land, they saw Him do a miracle again.

God does not see as man sees.  Where I see difficulty or even impossibility, He sees opportunity.  I picture it going a little something like this:

 

Me:  "Nope.  No way.  Uh uh.  There's no way I could ever do that."

 

God:  "Challenge accepted!"  :)

 

God definitely isn’t interested in choosing the “easy route” for us. Instead, He chooses the path that will give Him the most glory!

 

It’s scary for me to walk on when I can see and hear the flood waters rushing ahead.  But God came through for Israel, and He’ll come through for me, too.  One, because He loves me, and He promises to work all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28); and two, because His ultimate goal is to bring glory to Himself (Isaiah 48:11).

A few weeks ago, I finished my first 5k, and I was so proud of myself. 

 

 

Of course, thousands—or probably even millions—of people have done 5k’s, and in MUCH faster times than me!

No one is really that impressed when you do something that anyone could do.  But everyone takes notice when God does something that only He can do—whether it’s a miraculous healing, forgiveness for someone who doesn’t deserve it, or grace and peace when He chooses not to heal.  Whatever the circumstance, we can trust that He is accomplishing something far greater than anything we can see or understand.

God used a shepherd boy to slay a nine-foot giant (1 Samuel 17).  He conquered an army with 300 men who lapped water like dogs (Judges 7).  He redeemed the world through His own Son, born to an unwed mother.  And He used a group of nobodies to spread the good news of His salvation around the world.  Honestly, there are a lot of days when I don’t know what God sees in me or why He would want to use someone who is so timid, insecure, and stubborn.  But I am learning that, ironically, the more fragile and frail I am, the more qualified for Kingdom service I am!  
 

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 

-2 Corinthians 12:9

Praise God that His power works best in weakness.  Bring it on!  :)

#7. No More Looking Back

I’m a sentimental person.  I keep cards, letters, ticket stubs, and even rocks that remind me of places I’ve been in the past.  But at times, I’ve spent too much time looking back, questioning and dwelling on things I can’t change.  I know that God uses our circumstances to grow us, change us, and make us more like Christ, but His intention isn’t for us to live in the past.  The past is over.  It’s done.  If God meant for us to continue in that same place, He would have kept us there.  If He’s called us out, it’s to move on to something better.  And we can’t reach those blessings unless we’re willing to let go of the past.

When the Israelites were wandering in the desert, they grumbled because they missed the cucumbers, melons, and fish of Egypt (Numbers11:5).  If I were Moses, I probably would have said something like, “Oh, you miss the melons, do you?  What about the slavery, remember that?  Do you miss that, too?”  Only I’m not Moses.  I’m one of the Israelites, too often stuck in my own past.

It’s important to remember God’s past faithfulness and blessings.  He provided for the Israelites, even when they were enslaved in Egypt, and He’s blessed me in the past.  But remembering God’s past blessings shouldn’t bring sadness if He’s now chosen to take those things away (Job1:21).  It should instead bring encouragement that if God has been faithful in the past, He will continue to be faithful in the future (Philippians 1:6).

The Israelites didn’t have cucumbers and melon in the wilderness, but God did provide them with manna.  And they never could have made it to the Promised Land if they hadn’t left Egypt.

"If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back.  But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland.  That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them…

…It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger.  He kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible."

-Hebrews 11:15-16, 27

God, help me to keep my eyes on You alone, because You hold my past, present, and future in Your hands.

#6. Homesick

“Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

I feel more and more homesick every day.  There are plenty of great things about this life, but there is also so much hurt, pain, and brokenness, and I know this is not how it’s meant to be.  I know God can and will use all of this for His glory, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to endure daily.  Everywhere I look, people are suffering, children are dying, relationships are ending, friends are sick, people are lonely and hurting. 

I know that God’s plan is perfect and so is His timing, but as I go through my own (relatively minor) difficulties, there are so many times I wish I could see God’s plan for me, to know what is ahead and how all the pieces of my life fit together.
               
But I am beginning to realize that, actually, God already has told me the end of my story:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone.  And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them.”  -Revelation 21:1-3

He makes all things new, and He is making me new, too:

Just as we are now like the earthly man, we will someday be like the heavenly man. 

-1 Corinthians 15:49

Someday I will be in heaven with Jesus, worshiping Him for all eternity and finally living as He created me to live.

The pain and suffering here on earth is a reminder that I’m not home yet.  Pain itself is not a good thing; it’s a symptom of our broken world.  And every day, it seems to get worse and worse.

The natural response when you see something (or someone) that is broken is to want to fix it, to want to say or do something that will make it better.  But we can’t do it on our own.  The more I see the brokenness in the world, the more I long for my true home in heaven, where everything will finally be as it should be.  I also long more for others to know that same peace and assurance. 

There is only One who can truly fix what is broken.  So why doesn’t He just do it now? 

“We can ignore even pleasure.  But pain insists upon being attended to.  God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains:  it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  -C.S Lewis

Everyone who experiences pain knows this truth:  This is not how it’s supposed to be!  This is not how we are supposed to live!  But not everyone knows that there is another option, a better way to live.

Despite the fact that there is legitimate evil in the world, God is able to redeem anything for His glory, and He will do it, because His reputation is at stake (Isaiah 48:11).  He can use pain and suffering to bring people to Himself, and He often uses us to do it. 

Pain seems to affect me so much more now than it used to.  It could be because I’m getting older and myself and those I love are being more directly affected, but I think it’s more than that.  I’ve been praying that God would break my heart for the things that break His and that He would help me to see people as He does, and I believe He is answering that prayer. 

The more God breaks my heart for others’ pain and suffering, the more I should desire to share His promise of hope and peace with them.  He has made me an ambassador of His message of reconciliation—what an awesome privilege and responsibility!

So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”  -2 Corinthians 5:20

As much as our world seems to be growing increasingly divided over moral issues, people still need and want hope.  Without our connection to our Creator, we all have a void inside, waiting to be filled.  It may even be through pain that God reveals it to us.  And He has entrusted me (and all believers) with His message of hope.  If I’m doing my job of truly demonstrating Christ’s love in everything I do and say, people should want to know Him and, in turn, might come to long for their true home as well.

“The mold in which a key is made would be a strange thing, if you had never seen a key:  and the key itself a strange thing if you had never seen a lock.  Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the divine substance, or a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions.

Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it—made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand.”

― C.S. Lewis

#5. There is No Plan B

I have a new favorite fictional character.  His name is “Frisson l’écureuil,” or Scaredy Squirrel in English.  Because life outside his tree is full of known and unknown dangers, Scaredy Squirrel always takes the proper precautions before venturing out into the world.

He has an emergency evacuation plan,

a plan for making the Ideal Friend,

even a plan for avoiding the creatures from his nightmares.

But in each story, when Scaredy Squirrel implements his plan, something unexpected happens.And then Scaredy Squirrel exclaims,

“This was NOT part of the plan!”

Oh, Scaredy Squirrel.  How similar we are. 

A couple of months ago, I was struggling to get through a difficult situation.  There was nothing I could do to change it, and I was tired of crying about it.  Still, something about it felt wrong to me, and I couldn't put my finger on it.  One day, I found myself crying out to God as I prayed, "God, this just isn't where I saw my life going!"

And then it hit me.  The problem wasn’t that I was on the wrong path.  I just didn’t realize which path I was on.  I thought I was headed straight, and then I rounded a curve.  God knew all along that bend in the road was coming.  He knew when I’d reach it, and He knows what’s coming next.  I didn’t somehow wander off into uncharted territory, leaving Him scrambling to find another pathway for me, a “Plan B.” 

There is only ever one plan:  God’s plan, Plan A.  We can choose to drag our feet or make a pit stop or even turn around and walk in the opposite direction for a while, but He alone knows where our path leads, and He promises to get us to our destination (Proverbs 16:9).  He also promises that His path is better than the one we would have chosen, even though it might look questionable to us (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28). 

If I can’t imagine a better path than the one I’m on, it’s because my mind is too small.  I haven’t seen all the pathways that are out there.  I might be satisfied with this one, because it’s relatively smooth and there are no snakes or spiders.  But God not only made the map; He made the forest, too.  He knows all the paths, and He knows which one is mine.  He also knows it’s the best one for me.  If I would try to hop on someone else’s path because it looks nice from here, I’d end up at the wrong destination.

If my friend Scaredy Squirrel had stayed in his tree, he would never have discovered his hidden talent.  If he had waited for the 100% Ideal Friend, he would have missed out on another truly great friendship.  And if he had continued to stay up all night to avoid his bad dreams, he would have lived the rest of his life with “decreased energy, memory loss, sleepiness, moodiness, weak reflexes, hallucinations, and confusion.”  :-)

And if I spend my days wishing for what someone else has, I’ll miss out on what God has for me.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want Plan B.  I want Plan A—so no matter how long it takes, no matter how winding the path seems, I’ll keep walking, because I know it will take me where I need to go (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24). 

...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 1:6 

#4. Remind Me Who I Am

After years of collecting and months of procrastinating, I have finally finished my first T-shirt quilt!    It’s very soft and cozy, but the best thing about it is that every shirt represents a memory—whether it’s a place we visited once on vacation, a yearly family event, or a reminder of a short-lived, just for funsies, moderately unsuccessful music career.

As I look at all of these shirts, they remind me of who I was then, and who I am now.  In some ways, I haven’t changed a whole lot; but in other ways, I’m a totally different person. 

This is the shirt I bought in high school when I spent 3 weeks in a summer program at Mizzou.  I wanted to be a veterinarian.  I changed my mind.

This is the shirt I designed for our dorm in college.  No, they’re not kissing lips…the shirt had Proverbs 31:26 on the back.

This was the first year I taught the Bible lessons at Junior Camp.  It was  also my favorite year, because I came up with the theme myself.  We talked about the names of God.

And these were from the summer that changed my life.

After my first year of teaching, I had left that job with plenty of time (I thought) to find another one.  I filled out so many applications, sent out so many letters.  I had interviews and even some offers, but I still had no idea where I was supposed to go or what I was supposed to do.  I was in waiting mode, but I didn’t want to waste the time.  So I called it my “Summer of Service”—kind of like Seinfeld’s “Summer of George,” but a little bit cooler, I thought.  ;-)  Junior Camp, VBS, mission trip to Chicago with the senior high youth group, and then senior high camp.  I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought that if I gave God my whole summer, then He might reward me with some amazing life guidance for my future.  It turns out, He did, but not in the way I expected.

I can’t really explain how God worked in my heart that summer, but it was the beginning of a new perspective for me.  My world had been so small before, and by working with some of the different ministries that we did in Chicago, I started to see the great lengths to which God will go to bring His lost children home.

I realized how limited I’d been in my search to find His purpose for me.   I wanted Him to tell me in which one of a few specific schools He wanted me to teach English.   I realized I needed to be willing to go wherever and do whatever He wanted me to do.  That thought was terrifying to me, but I knew it was right. 

At senior high camp, the theme was “Meant to Live.”   In our morning devotions, we looked at the lives of Jim Elliot, Pete Fleming, Ed McCully, Nate Saint, and Roger Youderian, missionaries killed in Ecuador who said, along with Paul, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:20-21).  I didn’t quite understand how a person could get to that point, but I knew I wanted to be there, so I made this during craft time and have kept it, more as a goal than anything else.

It’s been a slow process of change for me, but I can see evidence of God’s faithfulness over the years in my life and as I look at my quilt now.  I'm grateful that He continues to remind me who I am, because I can so easily forget.  It took seven years, but now I can confidently say that for me as well, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain.”  I’m so ready to go home, but as long as I’m here, it means God has more work for me to do.  So I will keep trying to serve him the best that I can, and I’ll look forward to the next lesson He will teach me.  Maybe that lesson will come with a T-shirt, and maybe it won't...I'll just have to wait and see!

#3. You Can Serve God with a Broken Heart

I used to think getting your heart broken was a bad thing.  It’s painful, and you never really get over it, right?  So I tried to avoid it.  And with God’s help, I did.  Until about 2 years ago.
               
That’s when I took my first short-term mission trip to France.  And coming back, I left a little piece of my heart behind.  I’d read about France, I’d known people who lived there, but after visiting myself, opening up to what God had to show me there, and building meaningful relationships, it hurt a lot when I came back home.  Of course, if I’d stayed there forever, then I would have left a larger chunk of my heart back home. 

Leaving behind a piece of my heart was painful, and I never really did get over it.  But that was actually a good thing.  Because all year long, I kept thinking about France.  I thought about the people I had met there and the ones I hadn’t.  I prayed for them, and I prayed that God would give me another opportunity to go back.  And He did!  So, on my second visit to France, I was able to experience the joy of being “reconnected” with that piece of myself that had been left behind.  If I hadn’t had my heart broken that first time, the reunion there would not have been so sweet.

My second heart break was not so sweet.  This one was really painful, and still is.  I’d been wrestling with my singleness for quite a while and had come to a place of true peace about it (see Thing #1).  But then God brought someone into my life who had the potential to change that.  It seemed so out of the blue, and I was confused and scared at first.  I wasn’t quite sure how to mesh together what God had already been teaching me about singleness with what He seemed to be teaching me now.  It took some time, but slowly and surely I began to open up to what God was teaching me about Himself through this other person.  Then, just as quickly as it came, that relationship was gone, and I was left feeling—once again—confused, scared, and unsure about what God was trying to show me.

A few weeks later, I attended the Bible Study Fellowship leaders’ retreat in Milwaukee, where I heard Director of Training Melinda Burnette speak about her time as a Foreign Resident Ambassador in Jos, Nigeria and Bangkok, Thailand.  She said that after leaving Nigeria, Thailand was where she learned that:  “You can serve God with a broken heart.”  Those words really resonated with me. 

We suffer greatly in our fallen world because of sin, and pain was not a part of God’s perfect creation.  One day, we’ll finally be free from it (Revelation21:4).  But until then, God can use pain and heartache to teach us more about Himself and to be better ambassadors of His love and mercy to others.  I realized that giving in to the pain, doubt, and fear is exactly what the Enemy wanted me to do.  And trying to push it down or ignore it isn’t victory.  But our God is so much bigger than whatever circumstances we may face, and we can show this to the world by combatting the Enemy’s lies with God’s truth.  (Matthew 4:1-11; 2 Corinthians 10:4-5)

As I began to see this unfolding in my own life, God broke my heart in a new way:  for Him.  Everywhere I look, I see the path of destruction left by sin.  So many people in the world are hurting, REALLY hurting, much more than me.  I am just a tiny part of God’s sovereign plan, and I’m privileged that He wants to use me, despite my many failings.  I want to focus less on myself and more on others who need to hear about the love, mercy, and healing that can only come from Him.  It took having my heart broken in order for me to see this.   Who knows?  Maybe more heart breaks are coming.  What I can say for sure is that God, Jehovah Rapha, the Lord That Heals, is still sovereign, and that He has shown me that I can indeed serve Him with a broken heart.  In fact, I think He prefers it that way.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”  -Psalm 51:17

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.
-Hosanna by Hillsong United

#2. How I Ended Up Here

If you listen to the lyrics of Jason Gray’s song “How I Ended Up Here,” you might think they sound kind of funny, or maybe even a little crazy.  But that’s been me for a long time!  I don’t think I’ve ever crouched behind a lobster tank before, but I’ve definitely hidden in grocery aisles, stayed in my car a lot longer than necessary, and screened plenty of phone calls.

But building walls doesn’t bring people closer to Jesus.  God has been tearing down a lot of walls in me lately, and it’s painful, but necessary.  I told Him about a year ago that I was ready to go wherever and do whatever He wanted me to.  I didn’t realize how much He was going to have to change in me before I could really be ready.  First came the realization that this was a problem, coupled with the knowledge that I must change, and then then, slowly but surely, the desire to change.

It’s been a pretty slow process.  I wish I could say I’m making faster progress.  But all of a sudden, I’m starting to see the fruits of change in my life.  If I look at where I was a year ago, or even a few months ago, I can see how far God has brought me from there.  I’ve had more opportunities recently to invest in people’s lives, and even though I’m not great at making small talk, or sometimes any talk at all, somehow God always helps me through it!  I don’t see it as a subject of pride at all.  I know any success at all is a direct result of God working through me, because I stink at it on my own.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

That doesn’t mean I haven’t also had some setbacks.  Right now I’m thinking about the couple I saw at the gas station last week who needed money.  I truthfully told them I didn’t have any cash, but I must admit I felt a sense of relief about it…Oh good, I actually didn’t have any cash, so I don’t need to feel guilty about not helping them.

As I drove away (without making eye contact) I found myself praying that God would send someone to help them and to show His love to them.  And then it hit me.  What if that person was supposed to me? 

Jesus probably didn’t carry a lot of cash when he was on earth, either.  But is that how he would have responded to someone in need?  I could have given them some change.  I could have swiped my card for them.  But most of all, I could have talked to them.  I could have shown them some of the same love that God has shown me.

I know it probably doesn’t do a lot of good to beat myself up about something I can’t undo.  But I can learn from this experience and hopefully respond in a more Christ like way next time.  This wasn’t the first time I’ve avoided talking to someone, and unfortunately, it may not be the last.  But I am grateful that God graciously continues to reveal my sin to me, and I’m thankful that for as many opportunities as I miss, He has enough faith in me to give me more chances to serve Him.  So I’m praying that God will keep on removing rubber bands and tearing down walls for His glory.

#1. Delighting in the LORD

Ok, ChristianMingle.com, this one's for you.   I’ve had just about enough of your advertising.  I feel like I should first apologize, because I really don't know you very well. But I do know that God does not give us everything that we want, any more than a parent gives his child everything she wants.  Our Heavenly Father knows what we really need, and He gives that in abundance.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  -Psalm 37:4

I’m tired of hearing this verse used as an encouragement to the Christian single.  I don’t mean to undermine the joy of anyone who has experienced its effects in regard to their own relationships.  And I don’t mean to knock online dating for those who feel led by God to pursue it.  It’s a personal conviction, and it’s not appropriate for me to place my own convictions about dating on anyone else, just as it would be wrong for any other category—dancing, drinking, worship style, etc.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  Absolutely.  But if you’re truly delighting in the Lord, then won’t the desire of your heart be HIM?  And that’s exactly what He will give you.  More of Himself.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we don’t have other desires as well, and that doesn’t mean that all of those desires are bad.  Our bodies want food; they need food to keep going.  But Jesus is also quick to remind us that “Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Deuteronomy 8:3, Matthew 4:4).

Marriage is a good thing.  God designed it, and a godly marriage absolutely glorifies Him.  But so does a godly single person.  I feel like there are so many messages, even from churches, that tell us as long as you’re single, your life is on hold somehow…so you should do the best you can until God’s match for you comes along, and THEN you can REALLY start living.

But we start living the moment we receive Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).  Marriage might be the start of a new adventure, a new direction for two lives becoming one, but it’s not the start of life itself.  And for those of us who are single now, it doesn’t mean we’re “less alive.”

I’m exactly where God wants me to be right now, and I have exactly what He wants me to have.  So that’s how I’m going to live.  I don’t want to miss out on what He has for me to do today because I’m too busy thinking about tomorrow.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  -Matthew 6:34

God will guide me tomorrow to what He wants me to do tomorrow.  For now, all I want is more of Him.

Hmm...

I started this blog such a long time ago that I had almost forgotten what I wrote last time.  A friend recently reminded me of this very same Bible verse (Ecclesiastes 5:2).  It's funny how God so often brings things full circle like that.

I try to be careful with my words, because I know how much damage they have the potential to do.  I've said far too many things that I've later come to regret.

However, I've also been convicted lately that it's important for me to share what God is doing in my life with others.  So, as it turns out, I do have a few things that I've been talking over with God, and now I think it's time for me not to be silent about them anymore.

Stay tuned for Thing #1...