#3. You Can Serve God with a Broken Heart

I used to think getting your heart broken was a bad thing.  It’s painful, and you never really get over it, right?  So I tried to avoid it.  And with God’s help, I did.  Until about 2 years ago.
               
That’s when I took my first short-term mission trip to France.  And coming back, I left a little piece of my heart behind.  I’d read about France, I’d known people who lived there, but after visiting myself, opening up to what God had to show me there, and building meaningful relationships, it hurt a lot when I came back home.  Of course, if I’d stayed there forever, then I would have left a larger chunk of my heart back home. 

Leaving behind a piece of my heart was painful, and I never really did get over it.  But that was actually a good thing.  Because all year long, I kept thinking about France.  I thought about the people I had met there and the ones I hadn’t.  I prayed for them, and I prayed that God would give me another opportunity to go back.  And He did!  So, on my second visit to France, I was able to experience the joy of being “reconnected” with that piece of myself that had been left behind.  If I hadn’t had my heart broken that first time, the reunion there would not have been so sweet.

My second heart break was not so sweet.  This one was really painful, and still is.  I’d been wrestling with my singleness for quite a while and had come to a place of true peace about it (see Thing #1).  But then God brought someone into my life who had the potential to change that.  It seemed so out of the blue, and I was confused and scared at first.  I wasn’t quite sure how to mesh together what God had already been teaching me about singleness with what He seemed to be teaching me now.  It took some time, but slowly and surely I began to open up to what God was teaching me about Himself through this other person.  Then, just as quickly as it came, that relationship was gone, and I was left feeling—once again—confused, scared, and unsure about what God was trying to show me.

A few weeks later, I attended the Bible Study Fellowship leaders’ retreat in Milwaukee, where I heard Director of Training Melinda Burnette speak about her time as a Foreign Resident Ambassador in Jos, Nigeria and Bangkok, Thailand.  She said that after leaving Nigeria, Thailand was where she learned that:  “You can serve God with a broken heart.”  Those words really resonated with me. 

We suffer greatly in our fallen world because of sin, and pain was not a part of God’s perfect creation.  One day, we’ll finally be free from it (Revelation21:4).  But until then, God can use pain and heartache to teach us more about Himself and to be better ambassadors of His love and mercy to others.  I realized that giving in to the pain, doubt, and fear is exactly what the Enemy wanted me to do.  And trying to push it down or ignore it isn’t victory.  But our God is so much bigger than whatever circumstances we may face, and we can show this to the world by combatting the Enemy’s lies with God’s truth.  (Matthew 4:1-11; 2 Corinthians 10:4-5)

As I began to see this unfolding in my own life, God broke my heart in a new way:  for Him.  Everywhere I look, I see the path of destruction left by sin.  So many people in the world are hurting, REALLY hurting, much more than me.  I am just a tiny part of God’s sovereign plan, and I’m privileged that He wants to use me, despite my many failings.  I want to focus less on myself and more on others who need to hear about the love, mercy, and healing that can only come from Him.  It took having my heart broken in order for me to see this.   Who knows?  Maybe more heart breaks are coming.  What I can say for sure is that God, Jehovah Rapha, the Lord That Heals, is still sovereign, and that He has shown me that I can indeed serve Him with a broken heart.  In fact, I think He prefers it that way.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”  -Psalm 51:17

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.
-Hosanna by Hillsong United

#2. How I Ended Up Here

If you listen to the lyrics of Jason Gray’s song “How I Ended Up Here,” you might think they sound kind of funny, or maybe even a little crazy.  But that’s been me for a long time!  I don’t think I’ve ever crouched behind a lobster tank before, but I’ve definitely hidden in grocery aisles, stayed in my car a lot longer than necessary, and screened plenty of phone calls.

But building walls doesn’t bring people closer to Jesus.  God has been tearing down a lot of walls in me lately, and it’s painful, but necessary.  I told Him about a year ago that I was ready to go wherever and do whatever He wanted me to.  I didn’t realize how much He was going to have to change in me before I could really be ready.  First came the realization that this was a problem, coupled with the knowledge that I must change, and then then, slowly but surely, the desire to change.

It’s been a pretty slow process.  I wish I could say I’m making faster progress.  But all of a sudden, I’m starting to see the fruits of change in my life.  If I look at where I was a year ago, or even a few months ago, I can see how far God has brought me from there.  I’ve had more opportunities recently to invest in people’s lives, and even though I’m not great at making small talk, or sometimes any talk at all, somehow God always helps me through it!  I don’t see it as a subject of pride at all.  I know any success at all is a direct result of God working through me, because I stink at it on my own.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

That doesn’t mean I haven’t also had some setbacks.  Right now I’m thinking about the couple I saw at the gas station last week who needed money.  I truthfully told them I didn’t have any cash, but I must admit I felt a sense of relief about it…Oh good, I actually didn’t have any cash, so I don’t need to feel guilty about not helping them.

As I drove away (without making eye contact) I found myself praying that God would send someone to help them and to show His love to them.  And then it hit me.  What if that person was supposed to me? 

Jesus probably didn’t carry a lot of cash when he was on earth, either.  But is that how he would have responded to someone in need?  I could have given them some change.  I could have swiped my card for them.  But most of all, I could have talked to them.  I could have shown them some of the same love that God has shown me.

I know it probably doesn’t do a lot of good to beat myself up about something I can’t undo.  But I can learn from this experience and hopefully respond in a more Christ like way next time.  This wasn’t the first time I’ve avoided talking to someone, and unfortunately, it may not be the last.  But I am grateful that God graciously continues to reveal my sin to me, and I’m thankful that for as many opportunities as I miss, He has enough faith in me to give me more chances to serve Him.  So I’m praying that God will keep on removing rubber bands and tearing down walls for His glory.

#1. Delighting in the LORD

Ok, ChristianMingle.com, this one's for you.   I’ve had just about enough of your advertising.  I feel like I should first apologize, because I really don't know you very well. But I do know that God does not give us everything that we want, any more than a parent gives his child everything she wants.  Our Heavenly Father knows what we really need, and He gives that in abundance.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  -Psalm 37:4

I’m tired of hearing this verse used as an encouragement to the Christian single.  I don’t mean to undermine the joy of anyone who has experienced its effects in regard to their own relationships.  And I don’t mean to knock online dating for those who feel led by God to pursue it.  It’s a personal conviction, and it’s not appropriate for me to place my own convictions about dating on anyone else, just as it would be wrong for any other category—dancing, drinking, worship style, etc.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  Absolutely.  But if you’re truly delighting in the Lord, then won’t the desire of your heart be HIM?  And that’s exactly what He will give you.  More of Himself.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we don’t have other desires as well, and that doesn’t mean that all of those desires are bad.  Our bodies want food; they need food to keep going.  But Jesus is also quick to remind us that “Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Deuteronomy 8:3, Matthew 4:4).

Marriage is a good thing.  God designed it, and a godly marriage absolutely glorifies Him.  But so does a godly single person.  I feel like there are so many messages, even from churches, that tell us as long as you’re single, your life is on hold somehow…so you should do the best you can until God’s match for you comes along, and THEN you can REALLY start living.

But we start living the moment we receive Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).  Marriage might be the start of a new adventure, a new direction for two lives becoming one, but it’s not the start of life itself.  And for those of us who are single now, it doesn’t mean we’re “less alive.”

I’m exactly where God wants me to be right now, and I have exactly what He wants me to have.  So that’s how I’m going to live.  I don’t want to miss out on what He has for me to do today because I’m too busy thinking about tomorrow.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  -Matthew 6:34

God will guide me tomorrow to what He wants me to do tomorrow.  For now, all I want is more of Him.

Hmm...

I started this blog such a long time ago that I had almost forgotten what I wrote last time.  A friend recently reminded me of this very same Bible verse (Ecclesiastes 5:2).  It's funny how God so often brings things full circle like that.

I try to be careful with my words, because I know how much damage they have the potential to do.  I've said far too many things that I've later come to regret.

However, I've also been convicted lately that it's important for me to share what God is doing in my life with others.  So, as it turns out, I do have a few things that I've been talking over with God, and now I think it's time for me not to be silent about them anymore.

Stay tuned for Thing #1...